Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Art and Healing Excessive Stress

Inner Conflict

 
   This is how I felt last month. I couldn't figure out what was going on! I just knew that I was waking up with a whole bunch of stress, obsessing about something I had no control over and not able to settle down for anything. (And doing things I didn't want to do and couldn't stop myself from doing! Sounds like a passage from Paul!).  Even going out for a two hour hike at Raven Run and talking to my spiritual advisor didn't help. The absolute stress just came back! I started looking through my books about Art and Healing to see what Barbara Ganim and Susan Fox had to say and found the section on "Resolving Inner Conflict Through Soul Wisdom" in Visual Journaling: Going Deeper than Words.

According to Ganim and Fox, inner conflict comes up when we say or do something and feel another. This is related to believing that our ideas and opinions are untrustworthy and that we must defer to the ideas of others.

Fear is what drives our inner conflict. Usually from something that happens to us in childhood, it can be paralyzing in adulthood. At the core is the belief that if we fail to meet the expectations of others, we suffer their disapproval, condemnation and the withdrawal of their love. Hero-worship of another doesn't help this situation!

But this conflict is the primary source of stress: tight muscles, increased blood pressure, the release of stress-producing hormones. Which are all detrimental to our health!

First step is to identify the sources of inner conflict. The process is a little different than the steps that I've outlined before. Here you write down a few words that cause you inner conflict. Close your eyes and think about this conflict. Then open your eyes and write down your shoulds: When it comes to this issue I think I should; I think I shouldn't; I would like to; I do not want to; When I think about this issue I feel; I'm convinced other people think I; If I had my way with this issue; If I had my way I would; If I were honest they would think; If I were honest I would know that; the best soulution I can think of is... Notice any negative thought patterns, or attachments to other's opinions?  

Now close your eyes and take several deep breaths. Listen to your breathing and when you have begun to breath easily, focus your awareness on the conflict. Remember the last time you experienced this conflict and let that incident play in your mind's eye. Notice where in your body you are feeling this conflict. Imagine what this feeling would look like if it were an image. When you know, open your eyes and draw it.
It was eye opening to draw the picture above for me. I felt like I was strangling on what I wanted to do and that I was trying hard to open my heart to do what my heart was telling me to do, but that there was something holding me back!
Sit with your picture and see what it tells you about your inner conflict. Does it convey any special message or meaning about your conflict? Mine was showing me that I have some work to do to begin to live from my heart. To begin to know my feelings! There is definitely a difference! Words just couldn't express the feeling!
Ganim and Fox say that to bring your thoughts and feelings together you have to tap into your own soul wisdom. "From within your heart, you will ask your soul for a symbol that represents a resolution of this conflict, one that is in the best spiritual interests of not only yourself but of other involved parties as well."  And to do that you have to let your soul speak. The first step is to write down your intention to access a symbol that represents your soul's resolution of this conflict. Then you close your eyes, pay attention to your breathing until you feel connected to your body.
Allow your attention to drift to your heart center and when you are fully present to your heart, ask your soul for a symbol that represents a resolution to this conflict that is in the best interest of all concerned. Open your eyes and draw this symbol. Here's what came for me:
I wrote: "I intend to access a symbol that represents my soul's resolution of this conflict...

What do you feel the symbol represents?
The picture represents freedom, mermaids swim anywhere they want in the ocean and when dry change to adapt to the land. They attract with their voice. They are attractive to men. They breath water (Connects to my poem Breathing Water).

What does it have to do with your inner conflict?
I don't have to be stuck. I don't have to keep believing I'm not worthy. I can be free and be part of any environment.

What is your soul trying to tell you through this symbol?
I'm not stuck.

If each color you used could speak, what would it say to you about your conflict?
Yellow nails-personal power is at the tips of my fingers. Eyes-I can see what I need to see and speak in safety and security. Blue-I have the outer skin to be who I am. Red-and the safety and security to be safe and secure.
Bracelet? Maybe connects to Mom-decorates but doesn't bind. Green hair-floats in the water, is boyant and beautiful.
    
Has this symbol ever come up for you at any other time in your life? In what context.
This symbol came up in another inner conflict. It had to do with whether to stay in my job or leave where I was. The mermaid was climbing a rope between a ship and the ocean.

Is there a connection?
Has to do with life's work and freedom to do it.

If your symbol could speak, what would it say to you?
You are free, beautiful, worthy, blessed and loved. Nothing need stop you. You don't have to be trapped. You are safe to pursue your life's work.

What do you feel is your soul's solution to this conflict?
I will continue to work, but not for free, no matter what happens. I have to take care of myself and I know what to do!

This reminded me of a poem I wrote when I first began college:

Freedom

If your freedom suppresses my freedom, whose freedom is more important?
Your freedom is more important to you, should mine be less important
than yours?
Do we have true freedom between us?

Breathing Water

My heart spoke to you today
The baggage that it carries spoke louder
A snail will do that sometimes
Breathing underwater

Your heart spoke to me today
My antennae heard
themselves reflecting back
From the ripples of other contacts

Breathing underwater
My voice was wrapped in mufflers
retreat spiraling backwards
From lots of algae on the cage

The aquarium walls
Reflected what I don't see
At present we both see indistinctly
Breathing underwater

Your pressure suit
Lets in neither light nor sound
I knock to gain entrance
And you swim the other way

I trie on that suit myself
The airhoses and lifelines tangled
The heat was unbearable
Reflecting a circus mirror!

I tried skin diving
Breathing with aqualungs
Didn't give me as much oxygen as
Breathing underwater

I thought we needed
to check out the wreck
that waits on the bottom
You know it's just part of the aquarium

You want me to ignore that wreck
find our home on my back
But I can't
Stop Breathing Underwater

I found the key
In a pocket of my heart
I learned to Breath Water
And the aquarium walls disappeared!

My heart spoke to you today
Come breath liquid oxygen with me
The choice is ours
Just remember that whales can
speak to each other from miles away
-1993 Wenz